Missing her

It's been a few weeks now.  I occasionally still see a streak of black in the shadows. I know it's just my eyes, but it makes me realize how different things are without Dock around.

The house is more relaxed than it has been.  Mace is doing great, and I feel bad that I didn't get him a better playmate earlier.  Him and Norris are tearing up this house like mad and actually spent about an hour playing last night after we went to bed.  Sleep was eluding me a bit last night.  I woke up after about an hour or so and couldn't get back to sleep, so I travelled down to the couch and turned on the TV.  I felt this empty space beside me. Dock always used to sleep on the couch, and when I was up in the night, she would lay beside me and purr, or make her cute little noises, or just be there.  Last night it didn't feel as relaxed.  I miss my beauty.

Sadness

We euthanized Dock last night.  I was sitting in the room with my hubby, and we let her out of her carrier.  Well, didn't she start walking around, sniffing everything and meowing her little head off.  She was perky, interested, and seemed in good spirits. Though I know that was a temporary response to the change in scenery, it was enough to give me doubt.  Doubt I've been struggling with all along.  Is it time, does she have more happiness in her, etc.  Mike was great though.  He said that if we wanted to wait another week, we could, but that she would just continue to be a throw pillow on the couch all week.  I'd have to continue to shove meds into her, and stress her out that way.  I knew he was right.

I knew mostly what to expect.  I knew that she would be taken away from me for a short time for a catheter, and some sedative.  I know how my girl is with restraint, so hearing her scream, spit and hiss in protest is not a new thing to me.  I also know that she was not being hurt as that is just how she is normally.  The vet assistant brought her in to me after she had her sedative, and she was already feeling the effects.  I cuddled her like a baby, but that caused her some breathing issues, so I laid her down on my lap and her head was on Mike's lap.  The sedation made her really sleepy, but not enough that her tail didn't flick a bit, and her eyes scanned for us when we talked to her.  It was kind of nice to know that she knew we were there, but not where she was, or what was exactly going on.  The vet came in and very gently and softly gave her the final medication that made her comfortable.  

As I type this, crying, I know that she is in a better place and no longer hurting.  The boys are a bit off, as are we.  And as things settle in, we will get back to a routine, and the boys will be happier for the amount of attention they can have now.  Her spirit is still sitting on the couch, and I know I'll see her in the shadows of the house, now that the fall is coming and the lights are playing tricks more often.  I'll still hear her, smell her, and feel her soft paw on my arm, begging me for some affection.  I am thankful for all the support of the vet and of my husband who saw me struggle with the uncertainty and anxioty of the last few months.  I have had some time to get used to the idea of her being gone, and I guess that helps.  

As I continue to feel the after effects, I will continue to post with happy memories, and my feelings. Thank you for everyone who has shared in my journey, and I hope this has helped some going along the same path as us.  Please feel free to add comments.  I want to be helpful to anyone who needs support, with this or any other condition with their kitties.  

Grief is so painfully real, regardless of its origin. The love of, and attachment to, an animal friend can equal that of human relationships. Likewise, the loss of an animal can be just as devastating.
Rev. Joel L. Morgan

We have made a decision.

I've been looking at Dock quite a bit as you know if you've been watching our progress.  She remains kind of groggy, and more withdrawn than normal.  She is more bloated, and sometimes in her sleep, she makes those noises kind of like snoring/purring, but not.  She dreads her medications, and I feel horrible giving them to her.  If she is sleeping, she tends not to notice the other cats around her, or if she does, she doesn't do much now, where as before, she would be telling them off.  I can tell she doesn't feel well.  Even with the higher doses of all her meds, I noticed she seemed worse, though the increase in the pain meds may be contributing to that.  I did neglect to give her the evening meds one night, and she seemed perkier, but I worry about how her head feels.  

So Mike and I decided that if we can, we will take her in on Monday night.  The vets can be kind of crazy on a Monday, and with a shorter notice, may not be possible.  She is at least comfortable enough, that Tuesday will work, though knowing the girls at the clinic, they will make it work for us on Monday night.  

Dock managed to use up 5 of her 9 lives.  She lived a good 10 and a half years with us, and enjoyed over 16 years of love and life.  She outlived the prognosis of 6-8 months, and I am so happy that she came into our lives.  She will be missed dearly.

Still wondering when

Dock is still kickin around.  She is bloated from the pred, and she is slow from the muscle wasting.  I have her on an alternating schedule of 5 days of pred twice daily, then 5 days with pred once daily.  I actually noticed that her odd behaviour on the once daily resolves when we increase the dose.  She was also having a few head tremors on the once daily dose.  Since on the twice daily, she is better, though we also up'ed her gabapentin and tramadol to twice daily, so she is a bit groggy from those meds, so can't quite say if it's the extra pred, or the extra pain meds that's helping her most.  Tonight is her last dose, then it's down to once daily.  She is super hungry, and even cries for food now.

I know it won't be long though.  She came up to visit us last night in bed at about 1:30am.  Usually she doesn't, so this was odd behaviour.  She will usually have a snuggle with me for a bit, then leave, but she felt more like visiting her dad and sat with him for about 5 minutes.  At that point, we don't know if she tried to get off the bed and tripped or if she fell off the bed.  Either way, she went back downstairs and settled in for the night.

She is more withdrawn lately (once again, not sure if due to the pain meds or not), the strabismus is off and on, she's weak, she stumbles and bothers with her left eye from time to time.  I don't know how much more of this both of us can handle.  We were given a prognosis of 6-8 months, and it's been over 9 since her first seizure and odd sleeping behaviour.  I guess I am really thankful that I have a great hubby for support, and a great vet clinic to keep things in perspective with her health care.  My vet clinic did a new quality of life scale, more geared for owners, so I'm going to get one today and see where she falls now.  I know it will be a lower number than before, so I know we are nearing the end.  I'll just continue to give her the pets and love that she deserves.

What a suck!

So with Dock on her extra meds, she is really really dopey.  She stopped sleeping in those odd spots after the increase in her pred, but now it is time to bring it back down to once daily.  We are going to leave the others at the twice daily as she likely has quite a migraine.

She will not leave us alone though.  She constantly needs to be with us, whether it is because she feels so doped up and she needs the comfort of familiarity, or it is the meningioma itself.  I came home from work today and went upstairs to change, and there she was, right behind me.  I came back downstairs for lunch and she followed me.  When into the computer room to turn on the machine, and she walked right on my heals.  I have shut her out so that I can eat in peace.  But I can hear her trying to get up on the counter, and not making it.  Likely I'll open the door and she'll be right there.  I have house work to do that involves time upstairs, so we'll see if she stays with me.  I love her, but I'd like an hour or two that doesn't involve me constantly petting her, or worrying about stepping on her.  Then again, I should pet her as much as I can. Who knows how much more time I have with her, and she is my soft, sweet, fluffy lady.  I'm really going to miss her.

She's home and medicated

Some good news.  Dock still has relatively good neurological functions.  My vet was quite happy with how she has done, and feels she still has a good quality of life.  The list I had used a few weeks ago, was revamped by the vets at my clinic to be a bit more owner friendly.  She ended up at a higher number.  Perhaps it is because Norris is settled in and has taken some of the pressure of Mace off of her.

So our new regime is increased amounts of meds, and all 3 of them twice a day.  The pred will be reduced after 5 days as she is already on a really high dose.  The tumor has likely grown, and is causing Dock some more pain, likely one hell of a migraine.  So the increase in her pain meds may help that.  If after the 5 days, she starts sleeping in odd spots again, we  will live with that for the time being until her behavior changes to where none of us can handle it.  Giving her meds now is an ordeal, as she truely gets very stressed out now.  If that gets too difficult, or upsetting to her (and me) than we'll need to make a choice then.

For now, I will love my girl, and give her all the attention I can.

It might be today

It's been a while since the doctor has looked at Dock and done a full neuro exam.  I am taking her in today at 3 to see how she is coming along, but I'm thinking we may not bring her home.  She has started sleeping in odd spots again.  Last night she was on the coffee table for a bit, then in the window.  She also spent about 10 minutes sitting at the bottom of the stairs just looking at the wall.  Mace was watching her for a few minutes, wondering what the hell she was doing.  She slept part of the night in her cat bed, as well as some time pretty much on my head on my pillow.  Then I found her this morning on the hubby's computer chair (she has never been on his, always on mine).  She is clingy, her strabismus seems a bit worse, and she has been fussing with that eye a bit too.  She's still eating, and seems happy, but I'm worried that she has a wicked headache, and what will be the next step in her decline.  I've always caught the issue at the odd sleeping places.  But when the next behaviour arises, what might that be.  Will she start urinating all over, will she start circling and not be mobile, will she try to jump somewhere and misjudge the distance, will she fall down the stairs.  We'll see what the vet says this afternoon.