Sadness

We euthanized Dock last night.  I was sitting in the room with my hubby, and we let her out of her carrier.  Well, didn't she start walking around, sniffing everything and meowing her little head off.  She was perky, interested, and seemed in good spirits. Though I know that was a temporary response to the change in scenery, it was enough to give me doubt.  Doubt I've been struggling with all along.  Is it time, does she have more happiness in her, etc.  Mike was great though.  He said that if we wanted to wait another week, we could, but that she would just continue to be a throw pillow on the couch all week.  I'd have to continue to shove meds into her, and stress her out that way.  I knew he was right.

I knew mostly what to expect.  I knew that she would be taken away from me for a short time for a catheter, and some sedative.  I know how my girl is with restraint, so hearing her scream, spit and hiss in protest is not a new thing to me.  I also know that she was not being hurt as that is just how she is normally.  The vet assistant brought her in to me after she had her sedative, and she was already feeling the effects.  I cuddled her like a baby, but that caused her some breathing issues, so I laid her down on my lap and her head was on Mike's lap.  The sedation made her really sleepy, but not enough that her tail didn't flick a bit, and her eyes scanned for us when we talked to her.  It was kind of nice to know that she knew we were there, but not where she was, or what was exactly going on.  The vet came in and very gently and softly gave her the final medication that made her comfortable.  

As I type this, crying, I know that she is in a better place and no longer hurting.  The boys are a bit off, as are we.  And as things settle in, we will get back to a routine, and the boys will be happier for the amount of attention they can have now.  Her spirit is still sitting on the couch, and I know I'll see her in the shadows of the house, now that the fall is coming and the lights are playing tricks more often.  I'll still hear her, smell her, and feel her soft paw on my arm, begging me for some affection.  I am thankful for all the support of the vet and of my husband who saw me struggle with the uncertainty and anxioty of the last few months.  I have had some time to get used to the idea of her being gone, and I guess that helps.  

As I continue to feel the after effects, I will continue to post with happy memories, and my feelings. Thank you for everyone who has shared in my journey, and I hope this has helped some going along the same path as us.  Please feel free to add comments.  I want to be helpful to anyone who needs support, with this or any other condition with their kitties.  

Grief is so painfully real, regardless of its origin. The love of, and attachment to, an animal friend can equal that of human relationships. Likewise, the loss of an animal can be just as devastating.
Rev. Joel L. Morgan